... signs of my ages ...

A '90s' song, playing in the background upon entering a cafe...


I could singalong to the chorus and bridge. Almost by reflex.

But cannot recall the name of the song itself.


*
*
*


... Love is all around, Wet Wet Wet.

... lack of human contact ...

I think,
I've got it.

Again. This could be bad.

*=( let's see how long this one lasts...*

*=(( i really need to know more people...*


... in withdrawal.

... jaded ...

Nowadays after watching a really good show, I've stopped imagining whether such a character could exist in real life.


Let's face it - no such one could ever exist in reality. But it's like, one's subconscious has finally given in and admitted defeat. As though even the mere possibility no longer crosses the mind, not even a cynic thought to dismiss what little false hope which remains. For it's long gone, and I didn't notice when...

* * *

Finished Goong in a weekend. Watched it because of the lead actress, re-watched it straightafter because of the lead actor. Nothing close to Coffee Prince but enough to be addictive on its own all the same. In an imaginary world where an imaginary me could be the lead, the Crown Princess' role would be a dream come true *the ultimate dream would be if it was set in China* - You get the best of both worlds. Sigh.


Which led on to the Korean movie Antique, where Joo Ji Hoon was absolutely adorable *practically unrecognisable from his debut role Shin in Goong*. Movie wasn't great, they tried to pack too much into too little and spin it by you too fast for my liking *especially the 1st half* - but the actors were very suited for their roles. Ah, wasted potential there. Definitely would be better if it was a 2 part or mini-series instead.



Anyway, was walking home while listening to my Walkman and randomly enough, songs from the Coffee Prince soundtrack were shuffled up. Which got me thinking... If they make a Korean live action version of Ouran, wouldn't Yoon Eun Hye make a wonderful Haruhi *based on Coffee Prince* and Joo Ji Hoon be the perfect Kyoya *see Antique ^_^*? Then again, it'll be practically impossible to cast for the Hitachiin twins and Honey senpai...

... dark bliss ...

Scary how one likes being depressed.



I actually like it when it really strikes. Suddenly. For no immediate reason.
*that is, not to say that there were no reasons, just no one single directly attributable cause*


'Cos then, for those brief almost rare moments, I don't need to - and won't - care. Ah... to wallow, to grief, to let it runneth over.

... addict ...

Ok, I'm addicted to a lot of things. Nothing new there.


Funny how I can be addicted to stuff which I haven't been having a lot of and am too ignorant to qualify as a fan, much less an addict. Must be that sense of knowing the deprivation that makes it all the more luring and addictive.


Addicted to anime although I haven't watched that many or even know of many. Addicted to manga despite having read only a couple of volumes and just completed 1 full series for the first time before. Addicted to good fantasy writers although I'm not much of an expert when it comes to reading books *ok, I admit I used to be called a bookworm but that's a time ago and was only an illusion to my peers, given the surroundings we grew up in*. Definitely addicted to certain type of foods during certain times. Shopping hasn't made it that far yet at the moment *thankfully* but is definitely queueing up on the waiting list.

Crap, I've got no self-control or will-power whatsoever.


Despite working late hours everyday, piling on the stress and kilos, I somehow still managed to read manga til 4am every night. Not even the rare sound of birds chirping in the ever gloomy grey London sky could stop me from reading the next page or move me to finally shut down my computer to rest. For the first couple of weeks this happened, it was still consolable by the fact that the manga was a good one. But one can't deceive oneself longer as the weeks went on. And especially when you're running out of quality fare to fuel your time away.

Fact is *and I was all too aware of it as always*, it's just a convenient form of denial. I'd always thought of addiction as part of the denial family. Whether it's the immediate family or not *short of looking up a dictionary*, the relation is obvious and can't be further than a 1st degree cousin at any rate.


Addicted. Running away. Immersing oneself excessively. Retreating inwardly, avoiding endlessly. Absolutely nothing less than denial.



It's nowhere near the same as bearing the weight of the world on one's shoulders. Not as though life and death lay within the decision in my hands. So...?





... too lazy to stop living in limbo, that's why.

p/s: It's been 2 years here already, though I can't say this is unexpected.

... grim realisations 3.0 ...

It's pathetic enough when the only people who ever asks you out in your entire sordid existence called life are the few strangers who happen to see you on the streets / buses / bus stops / some-random-public-area-where-they've-got-nothing-better-to-do-to-pass-the-time-and-obviously-any-random-bystander-of-the-female-persuasion-will-do. But it certainly doesn't help that they all seem to come from the same type of mold, THAT kind of people... Times like this, can't blame one for being prejudicial.


Yet another sign indeed.



*note to self - avoid that supermarket*

Not that I actually have any self-delusions that I would be remembered. Nor do I care. It's just that I need to forget. Desperately.





Wouldn't it be nicer if I was born a guy?

... denial ...

Hope

is such a dangerous thing.



Even when you know that the worst is about to happen. That it is already too late. That nothing else you or anyone can do now.


And wishing to change the past is yet another basketful of regrets.



One never learns.



Despite the facts, the impossibility of it...




... still, one hopes.

... shopaholic me ...

I think I am officially a serious shopaholic.


o.O



Just finished a definitely over-priced course and facing an unhopeful resit in little more than a week's time...


... and all I can think of now is that 20% off shopping voucher expiring this Sun =(



Worst thing is, don't think I will be terribly sad if I don't pass again. Between my recent trip to KL and knowing I won't be back 'til I'm at least 25, going back for good has always been really appealing. Plus the exchange rate is now 5.3 or so. And I'll shop less there.


Be more myself.





How can I pass this time?

... signs of my apocalypse ...

I actually bought a cooking book.


A published-8-years-ago Chinese recipe book.



o.O

... grim realisations 2.0 ...

M and I discovered that we have freakishly similar tastes when it comes to fashion shopping


o.O

... grim realisations ...

Yup. I failed.


As I predicted.


And really, I don't feel any more sad after getting the news. Funnily, I was more sadden when I found out that I had only marginally pass the previous exam *FR* than actually failing this one *BS* o.O



But that's not my point here.


You know, the next time I'll be going home will be in 2010. And I would be already 25 then! =(((
*what am I doing here?*


I should be doing something.





Whereth my youth?!?



p/s: Forget to mention, I was back at the building with the creepy lifts. And this time, there's fingerprinting ID to get in and out too... o.O

... rhythm 'n' keys 2.0 ...

Saw this cute *albeit slightly fat* minipod player the other day on EL's blog...




And here I thought, finally, a playlist with controls that doesn't look half bad :) So been spending some time searching and adding songs, and here it is - a playlist that you can stop / navigate anytime you want.


*of course, it's still a very limited and low quality list =( do let me know if any songs are cut off!*


Any suggestions?




Updated as of 5 July 2008:

• pearlcolor ni yurete
• i will
• kesenai tsumi
• melissa
• bratja
• shell
• alumina
• the world
• mirai no eve
• koufuku no zouhei
• your place
• solitude by the window
• romance
• kirei no kanjou
• little wing
• itsumo gawa ni
• tsumetai yoru
• kanau nara
• mata ashita
• fukisusabu kaze no naka de
• don't look back again
• wild rock
• mistumeteitai
• id
• tightrope
• still time
• open up your mind
• alone
• kimi ni fuku kaze
• sore ga ai deshou
• karenai hana
• arekara
• kimi no yume
• soredemo, aitsu to
• shizuku
• last piece
• one (day-break)
• cross my heart
• scarlet
• apostle
• apologize
• memory
• adieu
• words that we couldn't say
• gravity
• rinne no hate ni
• you are my love
• wind
• lonely in gorgeous
• no junjou na kanjou
• half
• it's gonna rain
• starless
• departure
• kodoku no kakera
• uchuu
• ye qu
• qing tian
• leslie cheung
• ru guo ai
• in the mood for love
• 2046
• love letter to myself
• i don't love
• winter sonata
• i was born to love you
• when she loved me
• once upon a december
• cosy in the rocket
• one (magnolia)
• when you say nothing at all
• more than words
• words
• how deep is your love
• sleeping child
• where is the love
• heal the world
• change the world
• tears in heaven
• to where you are
• someplace good
• born
• you were meant for me
• selfish
• complicated
• my happy ending
• so yesterday
• the day you went away
• fallin'
• emotions
• hero
• i will always love you
• we will rock you

... currently on jukebox.

... clubbed ...

First time go clubbing yesterday, though it wasn't what one would call 'clubbing'. It was M's birthday and supposed to start at 10. So in between getting off work and being all settled in bed with a good book *Sourcery, by Terry Pratchett ^_^*, was obviously too lazy and can't-be-bothered to go out again after CE finished her work and was ready.

Well, somehow dragged myself and got there a bit after 11, we bumped into HL and LL outside the place, looking for a way to enter. Good to know we weren't the only late ones... 90 minutes of standing around *no tables* screaming ourselves hoarse to be heard and me being all too-stiff-and-annoyed-and-trying-to-look-inconspicuous-in-the-middle-of-a-crowd-of-dancing-friends later, we finally decided that we had stayed long enough *and after a bit of the obligatory dancing-cum-thing-a-ma-jig* before heading to Chinatown for some supper and staying up in bed reading til 5am.



Had always known I wasn't cut out for clubbing.
*but finally understood why those dressed-up girls can stand in the cold without their coats while waiting to go in - they charge for every item they keep for you*


Wouldn't mind sitting behind a table with a drink while watching people one knows get drunk and dance though. But even that wasn't viable as this place has some split levels with only a couple of tables and one can't hold a cold drink all the time while trying to make oneself be heard, not to mention it's someone's birthday. On the other hand, even regulars like HL and LL didn't want to stay long - not the right crowd and not with the right group of friends. Sorry for CE though, hope she did enjoyed some of it.



Speaking of which, picked CE up from the airport the other day after my first exam. Not only did she managed to get a job in less than 24 hours from arrival *not exactly her top choice, but still, efficient!*, she had also been apparently surviving on only apples *already bought 2 bags in addition to the one I had* and dried meat *brought from KL* everyday since o.O Here I was, thinking that I could finally eat less and be able to cook more, but instead trying to stuff her with food to no avail.




She decided on a place to stay today - one of the ground floor units in my building! Turned out she liked the location so much indeed - probably too settled in and acclimatised to look somewhere else further :p Guess it should be fun and can hang out together easily. Though with our current work schedules, we're more likely to miss each other everyday like ships passing in the night -_- She's still looking for other job options... hope she does get a better one too ^_^






And today also, I'm reminded again of yet how sad my life is. Amy's wedding invitation arrived in the post *thanks Amy ^_^*! It's got some cute picture of the two of them as a stamp on the card :)



My first wedding invitation addressed personally, and I can't go back to attend... *cue gloomy clouds and rolling thunder*






Now, need to RSVP...
*cue stormy winds and pelting rain - yeah, expect this weather at least another 3 months*

... split hairs ...

It's hopeless...



If I were to copy out the model answer word for word, takes me more than twice the time allocated to the question. Let alone actually attempting to answer it.

On average, could only finish 2.3 questions out of 4 in the time given for exams.

Even if on the off chance I get everything right, I still can never pass.



... hair's splitting.



Literally =(

... 8 random facts ...

Been tagged by CY some time back, without realising it...
*at least, I think I've been tagged -_-*



Rules

• Link to your tagger and post these rules.
• List eight random facts about yourself.
• Tag eight people at the end of this post and list their names

Everyone else I know has been tagged already. Yeah, I know only so few people. So here are the few victims I can think of...

1. MY
2. PL
3. HL

• Let them know they've been tagged by leaving them a comment on their blogs

Er, what random facts? Weird things about myself? *plenty* Little known things? *don't I already talk too much about myself?* How random, when you have to think of them yourself? *first thing that comes to mind?* What's fact, anyway?



Oh, well.



1) I have a huge birthmark on my arm. To be precise, 3 birthmarks. Always forget about them, unless someone asks me directly or points it out to me. People tend to think I had some childhood accident involving fire or hot water. Or both. Sometimes *particularly when I'm bored*, I would answer that I purposely burnt these patterns on my hand to see what they would look like when I was very small. I like to think that they resemble a butterfly and a bee, with the blob
in the middle being some sort of flower *or some unknown-undiscovered country*...


2) My spine at my lower back curves sideways. This is apparently unique, because it doesn't curve outwards (like hunching) and there seems to be no reason for it. Only found out about this during the brief medical examination before starting work in KL. No idea how long it's been like this. Ah, but that explains why I seem to be shrinking since leaving secondary school...


3) I like onions raw. And avoid cooked ones.


4) When I was younger, I have this habit of eating bananas by chewing off the surfaces first and leaving the insides for last - which everyone else finds it extremely weird. Can't remember exactly when I started that, but I've stopped doing so out of sheer laziness...


5) Of my family, I am the most shopaholic one of all and also the most stingy-cheapskate-even-if-buying-for-myself one. Go figure...


6) I am the eldest. And it shows... -_-


7) I love soft toys. Used to have this enormous collection that took one third of my bed when I was eight. Then they got thrown out all at once, behind my back *the poor things :'(* - just because some doctor suggested that soft toys might be the reason for my frequent sneezes *as if! I've been having some mild allergy or other since I was a baby*...


*er, what else?*


8) Back in Standard 1, I was chosen to join the national day performance only because I looked ridiculous *but apparently cute :s* while trying to do the moves during the audition *yes, I clearly recall Ms Low laughing at me*. Not only did it introduced me to rhythmic gymnastics which CBN primary was famous for *spent more than half my childhood in gym or so it seems -_-*, the seniors in Standard 5 and 6 suddenly took a liking to me. I had up to 13 pet sisters at one point *though I can't remember each and every one of them now :p*. But we lost touch the next year when nearly all of them moved up to secondary school...




... ok, that's more than enough.

... listless ...

Sometimes...



to be spontaneous

to not have to worry

to actually get drunk

to not have to think

to let one's guard down

to have not a care at all

to be childish



... wouldn't it be nice?

... plagued ...

I must be cursed...



In the last couple of months alone, I had not only one, but 2 pain-in-the-butt abscesses. The first one had apparently been larger than normal, and I now have 2 scars to add to my collection. Not that I knew what the condition was in the first place. Besides, the doctor couldn't even give me a reason for the cause. The second time round, the doctor asked me to get a blood sugar test in about 3 weeks time - just in case I have diabetes o.O Only finished my round of antibiotics for the second one last week, and all that air swallowed gave me an even harder time falling asleep.


Yesterday, I woke up with numerous red itchy spots on my arms. And tomorrow's my exams.


Never had such red and so many before in my life, and they were spreading. They look like hives or some skin disease - well, what I thought those would look like anyway. Hoping it was just an allergy *although I haven't been eating anything new* and nothing more serious *like eczema?*, went to see the doctor today. He thinks it's only an allergy and most likely caused by my clothes, but how can that be when I've been wearing pretty much the same things and hasn't changed the soap brand since last year? But that's what he thinks anyway, since he kept asking me whether I had change the washing powder lately, which I am most infinitely sure that I hadn't.


In the end, I am now on anti-histamines with no idea what had caused the allergy. And I think that's what's making me drowsy. Hope I don't fall asleep for exams tomorrow, or worse, forget to wake up :s oh, and hopefully those ugly red spots won't leave scars =(



3 physical ailments which I had never had before in my entire 23 years of living, and all happened to me in the last 3 months I'm here.*bad feng shui? wait, I've been living pretty much the same for the past year...*





... plagued.

... lawless not ...

Ok, I started work here exactly a year ago. Celebrated/commemorated our 1 year in working life/misery by having lunch at a Japanese place near our college, since we're back to attending classes for the next round of exams.

Hm, let's see. I've been working more, but not to an extent of being a workaholic *certainly hope not*. Had the chance to go out of London on away jobs *though no time to sight-see or relax* to Ipswich, Exeter, and Jersey *my favourite so far just because there were flights involved*. All in all, not a bad year. And definitely less stress overall than the last month I spent in my previous job, right before coming here.

Guess it's not bad, no?

Well... the only thing that marred today was finding out I wasn't exempted for Law in my professional exams. And the exam's in 6 days, just an hour after another exam. Damn.
It is not a gross misstatement to say that the law subject effectively screwed up my degree. Not that I was going to get top class results, but it was just that I could have. If it wasn't for that crappy part-time tutor employed by my college who couldn't even be bothered to show up on time, much less teach, and where classes were held after normal working hours, which meant having 7pm-9pm classes twice a week for the whole of my 2nd year. And he had the nerve to turn up late to most of them *much less did any actual teaching*.

It isn't the fault of the subject really. Just that, even after all that, I couldn't even use it to get exempted in my professional studies. It's as though I can never get away with it.
Had not originally plan on taking the exemption for law. Sort of wanted to give myself a second chance and score higher for a subject so apparently suited for one as argumentative as me *my mum even forbid me from becoming a lawyer, not that I had any ambition in the first place*. But looking back at how affected my degree was, might as well make it all worth it. However, it was not to be. Wasted sacrifice?

Oh well, nothing I can do. Try and hope for the best...

p/s: of course, this also meant that any hope I had of ever making it back in time for Amy's wedding has been crushed beyond the point of despair. I knew it was unlikely, but there was always a glimmer of hope... well, not anymore. *sorry, Amy! =(*

... dw ...

Am still sorely dw-deficient...


So much so that the whole of last week has been pretty much non-existent to me.


Having finished his latest series, I stumbled upon some videos of the inverview he had in Nov 2007 with Stephen Chan. It was exceptionally good as Dayo was quite laid back and straightforward, with heart-felt responses and absolutely no pretense. *it's extremely hard to find a good interview which doesn't feel like the interviewee is putting on a show* I supposed that's what fed my craving, and my addiction grew. At the moment, Dayo Wong has surpassed Raymond Lam to take second place on my list, looking like a strong contender for first :p




While googling Dayo *yes, I'm officially obssessed -_-*, couldn't find any official sites and any fan sites were all in Chinese =( I did, however, come across so many blogs dedicated to TVB and Asian entertainment that it was certainly surprising - I hope mine hasn't inadvertently become one o.O


*I need to get a life*


It was from one of these that I discovered Heart of Greed swept all awards but one at the latest TVB 40th Anniversary Awards held last year *think MF told me before, but it didn't really register then*. It beat Dicey Business *glad they didn't forget about this really good show* and even Drive of Life -_-;; Just goes to show again how these 'awards' are always flukes and never did any justice. Most of the time, I only referred to them to find out any series which might be a good watch but that I haven't heard off as yet *that's how I came to know about La Femme Desperado*.

But Heart of Greed strikes quite a dischord with me, as it was one of those majorly-hyped big-production shows which I couldn't stand to watch at all. When my friends were watching it, I gave it a try only because I heard Raymond Lam was in it. But I could only bear to put myself through the first irritating 5 or 6 episodes before I just couldn't take it anymore - even before Ray's character appeared. That's the only time my loyalty to Raymond Lam's acting has ever let me down. It's now coming back for a sequel in 2008 due to its 'popularity', and needless to say, I'm never watching it *this time, no Raymond Lam to tempt me through torture as his character apparently died in the first run*.

Another similar overly-hyped case was War and Beauty, which beat To Catch The Uncatchable at the 'awards' *another gross misjustice!* and that I regretted watching at all *only forced myself to finish watching the whole thing just to see why such a poor show could be touted as 'popular' - and Heart of Greed was absolutely worse*. Perhaps I just have distinctly weird tastes from the rest of the TVB-watching population.


There was another where the blogger mentioned that many 'ancient' series which had 'modern' sequels resulted in so many flops, and he/she wondered if any successful 'modern' series could make the transition back to 'ancient' safely. Come to think of it, don't think there was any good 'modern' ones which had 'ancient' sequels, is there?

And I somehow woke up today with the tantalising notion of a sequel to To Catch The Uncatchable in an 'ancient' period setting. Just think about it - Dayo can be a frail but intelligent constable *amongst other much larger and able-bodied constables* who is the son of a well-known constable, his boss could be a small town official *complete with sweaty head and handkerchief* who wants to do the right thing but is often afraid of other higher ranking officials, Ada and Marco could be business competitors trying to outwit each other *like, selling hot buns or something? :p*, the mother could be someone who has retired from the martial arts world, 'Jim Jim' could be the town's most eligible bachelor whose general of a father wants to find a wife for him but Jim somehow only has eyes for Ada *just a poor but fiery businesswoman?*, and just imagine all the new and interesting cases they would come across *ah, there could be some potential in the idea*,...


*ok, I really need to get a life*



Probably why I like Dayo so much is that I was lucky enough to watch his best shows first. I had heard of him much earlier before I had watched any of his. I recall being totally uninterested in watching his movies which were being promoted then, because nearly all of them are just B to C grade movies *yes, even the one co-starring Anita Mui* which are never worth going to the cinema for me. So when I first saw him in To Catch The Uncatchable, he was absolutely amazing! Then I found War of the Genders and he was crackingly superb!! Reading his bio and learning that he sort of founded stand up comedy in HK, I found some clips of his stand up shows which were so good that it has permanently sealed my respect for his talent *hats off!*. And now, that 'chat' he had with Stephen just made me fell more in love with him...

So you see, it was a good thing I hadn't let myself watch his films in the first place ;)



While writing this, I can just imagine MF and LH going "we have so different tastes, man!"
*well, not that many read my blog anyway*


All I can say is, I'm just weird lar.

Just have a look at this extremely short list of my favourite actors, and see if you can spot anything in common at all:

1. Julian Cheung *first artist I ever liked, and that wasn't until college*
2. Dayo Wong
3. Raymond Lam

So far, these are the few I don't dislike and which I'll always look forward to watching any of their series. In my 2 decades of TV-watching-love, this is a pretty dismal list.
*this coming from a girl who grew up without having any favourite singer/actor/pop-star/celebrity and has never had so much as a poster on the walls*



... in need of a life.
*or at least, some tickets to watch Dayo's stand up shows in HK would be a great substitute for a life :p*

... year of the rat ...

*grin*


Ah, the first day of the new year...



What with being away from home and no relatives whom I could feasibly visit without taking flight, I'm naturally spending it relaxing as much as possible ;)


Started the day with the vegetarian dish I made earlier specially for this occasion *my family goes vegetarian for half the day*. Usually, I would be having lychee chinese tea - but since I didn't bring any over, had some 'chinese sencha green tea with natural lemon' from Jacksons of Piccadilly instead.

...chai 'n' chinese tea...

Most Chinese people I know over here are working today *or studying*. Someone even said that they preferred to work to earn more money rather than take the day off o.O To me, the one day I wouldn't be working is the first day of CNY *even more than birthdays*. Hello, it's part of our culture!

Some say that it doesn't feel like CNY. For me, I'll make it feel like CNY if I have to. Having good food, wearing new clothes, listening to CNY songs, peeling clementines, eating sweets, ... In fact, I'm not even homesick :p Don't get me wrong, I do miss the CNY goodies / cookies / decorations / pai nian / ang pows / tv shows / ... But I'm not remotely depressed or anything, despite it being the first biggest festival that I'm spending alone away from home. Which is a good sign for my coming year, no? ^_^



So here's to all fellow rats out there...

The Rat

People born in the Year of the Rat are noted for their charm and attraction for the opposite sex *r-e-a-l-l-y...*. They work hard to achieve their goals, acquire possessions, and are likely to be perfectionists. They are basically thrifty with money. Rat people are easily angered and love to gossip. Their ambitions are big, and they are usually very successful. *o.O*

People under the rat sign are usually smart and willing to accumulate wealth and to make efforts to be successful. Throughout their lives, there will be many other people who can bring great fortune to them. Thus despite timidity, most of them are happy and harmonious with others.


Outlook for the Year of the Rat
from World of Feng Shui.

You can look forward to a good year and benefit from what is known as "heaven luck", where many opportunities come your way. Wealth luck will be there and with the support of the 'Tai Sui' you will make the most of it. Although luck is on your side, you face competition from those who cannot take coming second to you. Don't view this negatively; instead endeavour to turn competitors into supporters. The year starts well, with success coming as early as February with excellent relationship luck. There will be times when you are severely stressed out.



*hm...*






... all the best in the year of the rat!



p/s: anyone know where I can watch the tvb 2008 CNY show?